A Mess
by Greenwolves
Summary: Karigan is not her normal self, and people have started to notice. It takes interference from Drent of all people to get her to open up. K/Z. Set after Blackveil, but Estora isn't in the picture.


**I do not own any of the characters or setting-they belong to Kristen Britain.** **This is kind of set after Blackveil, but Estora is not married to Zachary, and he hasn't agreed to yet either. Please review. I can't decide if I like it or not, so whatever your opinion let me know :) Thanks!**

Karigan G'ladheon, Knight of the Realm, Avatar of Westrion, _Hero of Sacoridia_ , was a mess.

Everyone thought so. Her Rider Captain had discussed it with her friends Mara and Tegan, and they were asked to look out for her. Whenever they looked into her room, she was pacing and muttering. Fastion watched her behaviour with concern, though it never showed on his expressionless granite-face when she entered meetings looking tired and rubbing her temples. Zachary observed from afar, often asking Laren and Fastion if everything was alright with Sacoridia's favourite Knight. She hadn't really been talking to anyone of late, and rarely was she seen in the Rider Common Room. Unfortunately, they knew very little of what was going on inside her head.

It was actually Drent who had perceived the most. Some days she came to training, dark rings around her eyes where she hadn't slept, and so weary it was difficult for her to keep her practise sword upright. Other days she was so angry and frustrated that her opponents had to go to the mending wing after she had vented on them.

And so it was that Karigan found herself summoned to the Arms Master's Quaters to see Drent. The sun was just beginning to set as she strode across castle grounds to the army barracks, and a slight breeze chilled her skin.

She let herself in to his office, where he sat behind a desk twirling a small knife round his finger. After shutting the door behind her and settling herself in the chair opposite him, she watched her teacher expectantly.

And he watched her back.

For a time they just sat looking at each other, he fiddling with the knife, she squirming in her chair. Finally Karigan broke the silence.

"You asked to see me sir?"

The arms master nodded. And said nothing.

Karigan sighed. "I have work to be getting back to if you would rather meet another time?"

Drent frowned slightly, and quickly wrote something down on a sheet of paper, shaking his head.

"No Rider. I do need to talk to you. I'm just wondering how to go about it."

Karigan shrugged. "Well, Captain's not letting me go on a Ride right now, so I'm always around. Apparently I'm 'fragile' at the moment. I personally think it would be a lot less stressful if I was out on a ride. Barely get a moments peace round here."

Drent wrote some more down. "Why?"

Karigan shifted in her chair.

"A lot of new Riders joined up while I was in Blackveil and... yes well they all want to talk to me or see me fighting or use my ability, and I've used it so much for them recently that I have a permenant headache. That's on top of the headache that I get from spending all day writing and checking the figures in the log book, and standing in for the Captain in meetings, and running away from the king and-"

Her rant stopped short, her eyes going wide and her hands covering her mouth. Drent stopped scribbling and raised an eyebrow at her.

"You were saying?"

"I... um... I don't..."

Drent continued to watch her as Karigan's face turned beet red.

"I believe you were saying that you run away from our King?"

"I... no... I never, I wouldn't..."

Drent sighed and put his pen down. "Girl, the Black Shields have known about you and Zachary probably longer than you two have. As sword masters, it is our job to observe body language, and it is quite clear to all of us. You can trust us girl. You're our sister-at-arms, and we will protect both you and the king. We have seen both of you struggle to hide you feelings for many months now. You don't need to hide from us girl."

Karigan stared at him.

"I... but it's treason. The Lady Estora will be Queen, and although I love Zachary, I will not betray my country."

Drent shook his head and lent forward.

"Who does the King love? Who would he rather marry? Which of you would he fight for?"

Karigan continued to protest. "I'm a commoner, he could lose the throne!"

Drent closed his eyes and sighed.

"No he won't girl. Think about it. Who is going to try and take his throne."

"The Eastern Lords."

"And how are they going to do that?"

"They... They could bring their armies to Sacor City and take it by force."

"And these armies. Soldiers yes? Commoners. Why are they going to follow the lords and overthrow Zachary when it will be them who benefit from the marriage?"

"I..." Karigan frowned.

"Kari girl, you need to stop trying to be a politician. You aren't one. You're a warrior, and right now Sacoridia needs a Warrior Queen."

"I... But I can't be Queen!"

Drent rolled his eyes. "Why did I get this job?" He grumbled. "Do you love Sacoridia?"

"Of course. I would give my life in service to the realm, as I have already sworn to do."

"And who do you love?"

At this Karigan's eyes turned ineffably sad. "I have had two great loves. One is Zachary. And the other is probably dead."

Drent gaped at her. _What?_

"His name was Cade and he is from a future time. I loved him and I will never see him again." A tear leaked from her eye and Drent wrote four letters on his sheet.

"It feels like a betrayal every time I think of Zachary and not Cade. My heart is being pulled in two directions, and I cannot take it anymore. Some days I dream of him accusing me. Because I left him. I came back and changed things here so I changed the future. The world he now lives in is not the same. He is most likely dead. And it's my fault."

At this she started sobbing, and curled up in a ball on the chair.

Drent had never been good at this. He was a Weapon, a warrior. But for this broken girl, he tried.

Karigan flinched when his hand touched her shoulder, and tried to stop the tears. "I'm sorry. I should be stronger."

Drent shook his head, "You are the strongest person I know. I always complain about you being weak, but its because you are always injured. I've never known anyone who has survived as many scrapes as you." She had no reply, so his words of comfort clearly weren't working.

He helped her up, and lead her out of his office. "Let's go and see someone who can actually help you, huh?

Karigan obediently followed her Arms Master into the castle and up, past Rider Barracks, past the mess hall, past the throne room, until she realised where they were headed.

Still sniffling, she stopped. "I can't see the King looking like this!"

She gestured at herself, tear tracks running down her face onto an untucked shirt with rolled up sleeves. Her brown hair was messy and unbound, and her riding boots were unlaced.

Drent sighed and continued to pull her onwards. "You think he will care?"

Karigan tried to pull the other way, but he was too strong and was dragged along the corridor. "It's more a matter of propriety!"

Drent shook his head. "Hush girl. You are going, no use fighting."

Fastion and Willis watched with great interest as the Knight of the Realm was dragged down the corridor towards them. Fastion opened the door and announced that the King had a visitor before Drent shoved Karigan into the room. She tried to run back out but Fastion picked her up and placed her on the couch.

Zachary had risen, confused, when they entered, and Drent handed him a piece of parchment from his pocket. He bowed and left, Fastion following.

Zachary turned back towards the fire, where Karigan sat watching him. She had tear tracks on her face, that ran over her cheek bones, and made her brilliant blue eyes watery.

"Umm... Karigan?" He asked as he sat beside her, and wiped a tear off her face.

She shrugged and looked into the fire. "Drent made me cry. It's nothing."

Zachary frowned and opened the paper, reading it out loud.

 _Really_ _bu_ _sy with Rider accounts_

 _Not currently allowed on rides so stuck in castle_

 _Young riders want to see her ability-constant headache_

 _Stands in for Mapstone at meetings_

 _Rider logbook_

 _Weapons training_

 _Running away from King_

 _Confusion over Zachary_

 _Loves him but thinks its wrong_

 _CADE_

Zachary looked at the woman beside him, who now had fresh tears running from her eyes.

He put the list down and gently wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest. "Oh Kari."

He could feel her relaxing into the embrace, but then she pushed away sniffling.

"Kari, _please._ I want to help you."

She shook her head and stood. "You can't. You can't help me. I shouldn't be here."

"I _can_ help you, if you let me."

The Rider began to pace in front of him.

"You know you can't. Why do you keep trying to get me to give in?"

Suddenly Drent shouted through the door. "Girl we've been over this! You bloody well can! Gods do you listen to anything I tell you?"

Karigan blushed and looked at Zachary, then quickly away again. As she paced past, Zachary grabbed her hand. They were callused and strong, like his. A warrior's hands.

She stood still as he turned her hand over, and used a finger to draw patterns on her palm. The finger slowly headed upwards, across her wrist and up her forearm. She didn't move away.

He looked up and was met with her blue eyes watching his almond-shaped ones. Wariness warred with trust and love in her gaze, and then she gave him a small smile. A tiny gesture, but it warmed his heart to see her dimples dint her cheeks.

He took hold of her arm, and pulled her down so that she was sitting on his lap sideways, leaning on his chest. He put an arm round her and kissed her hair softly.

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

She nodded against him.

"Then tell me what the list means. Why were you crying?"

She shifted slightly. "Drent made a list of everything that was getting to me. I have not been myself lately. I'm constantly stressed and upset. I was crying because he began talking about who I love."

Zachary froze, unsure. Karigan continued speaking.

"I have loved two men. One was from the future and now he is probably dead, and if he is alive he will not remember me. His name was Cade, and... I loved him." Tears leaked out of her eyes and dripped onto his shirt as she spoke. Zachary hugged her tighter.

"And the other?" Zachary asked quietly. "What was his name?"

She sniffed.

"His name was Zachary Hillander."

She turned her head to look at him, and found the biggest smile she had ever seen on his face. She warily smiled back.

"I love you too Kari." Her smile widened.

"And... I would have you for my Queen, if you would consent."

A frown marred her forehead, and he quickly backtracked.

"I... No it's fine... I know your feelings on this I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry-"

She silenced him with a kiss. His eyes widened, and when she pulled away he watched her incredulously. She felt his gaze, and began to blush. She took a deep breath.

"Alright. If you can find a way where there is no risk to your rule, and I can continue being a Rider, then yes. I'll marry you."

His smile was so wide he thought his face might split. He picked her up and span her round in circles, laughing as she screamed. He then put her down and kissed her soundly, overjoyed.

He broke the kiss when the door opened and Fastion stepped in. The Weapon let a smile transform his usually emotionless face as he saw Karigan smiling up at his leige in the circle of his arms.

"Sire, it is getting late. If I may, I will now escort my sister back to the Rider wing before her fellow Riders become suspicious at the late hour of her return?"

Fastion delivered his speech with a small grin. The Weapon was right, however. The sun had set long ago, and it was completely dark out.

Zachary reluctantly removed his arms from around Karigan's waist, and let her go. She smiled at him before slipping out of the door.

Outside Drent gave Karigan a rare smile and a wink, before transforming back into his normal self. "I will see you at seventh hour tomorrow. Bring your longsword." The Arms Master then stomped away.

Karigan was then escorted away. Outside the archway that led to the Rider Wing, Fastion stopped and hugged her. "Well done sister. I hope this means that you will be back to your old self."

Karigan smiled and nodded. The Black Shield studied her for a moment, then nodded and walked back the way he had come.

Rider G'ladheon was in a better mood than she had been in ages. The headache had not gone, the stress had not diminshed, and the guilt over Cade was certainly still there. But as she entered the Common Room and started a game of Intrigue with Fergal and Daro (to the amazement of the other Riders), she realised that there was more to life than that. The future held promise. Maybe there was more pain ahead, but by the gods she'd be damned if she was going to live like that anymore.

She had people to live for.


End file.
